Guide d'équipe : Ogres

Since the Ogres aren't seeing much love here and they're my fave "joke team", I thought I'd write a humourous (and probably rather useless!) guide to playing against Elves with them.

Hopefully it will encourage newer players to take up everyone's favourite stupid thugs

TheBrute's Guide To Delicious Ogre Style Sandwiches*

*May not be delicious to all palates.

'Ello dhere. I'm da Brute. I won't shake yer hand, 'cos I'd probly squish it, puny and delicious humie that you are! *Mutters quietly* You got some right meaty lookin' ribs on you...

*Wipes snot from nose and snorts loudly*

So, dhey let you lead a buncha Ogres, eh? Whass the world comin' to dheze days? I tell ya, if a runt like you started tellin' me whatta do I'd...err..errrr...err...I forgot. What was I sayin'?

Oh yerr, I 'ear you're havin' trouble with dhem skippy, squirmy high-pitched girlie boys, da "Elves"? You know tha ones. Loadsa grease in their 'air, bathe twice a day, sometimes in blud? Yer, those Dirty Elves with da leather armour are right weird 'uns, ain't they?

Well, da best way to stop dhem sneaky lil' gitz is to punch 'em real hard inna mouth an' bend da legz 'til they click. Like windin' up a clock. When da yellin' and wailing stopz and da man wiv da wooden boxes starts smilin' on the sidelines, you know that you done the job rite good!

I hear ya, I hear ya...It's gettin' 'em all boxed in that's 'ard, innit? Thass where my filosophee comes in 'andy.

I luvs me food. Do you love yer food? Not as much as me yer don't! I could murder a McMurty's right now. In fact I did once, da waitresses were da best ov da lot, ripe and crunchy...

*TheBrute pauses to slobber for a moment before shaking his head.*

Err, Blud Bowl's a bit like a big, juicy sandwich I fink. To fill out a good lunch, ya need:

- Da big, muscly bread wiv da teef
- Sum nice soft little Elves
- Mustard an' ketchup
- A nice bowla peenuts ta finish wiv.

Err, I mighta got me metaphors an' da game mixed up dhere, it 'appens. Anyway, wut you gotta do is focus on gettin' da bread either sidea da fillin' before it can hop away.

To make a snack wurvvy of my tastbudz yoo must 'ave:

- 4+ Ogre Bread Slices (da moar da better!)
- Mustard flavour Snotlings (Diving Tackle - get lots!)
- Peanut flavour Snotlings (Sneaky Git - only needa couple o' dhese)
- Ketchup filled Elves

What you gotta do furst is line up da Ogres on each side of the pitch. Leavv a nice little gap inna middle if ya can an put the miserable little Snot wiv da ball near tha gap.

Then you wait until da curious little Elves move inta the breach and slap the poor ickle runt! Dat's when you carefully move da bread around each side of da girlie boys and get chompin'.

But what if da Elves ain't movin' in? Thass when you gotta use your initiative - punch 'em in the face an' move up da pitch 'til they do! Whateva yer do, keep someone near da ball, if yer lose that wiv ya trap in place yer in big trouble!

Bread's real tasty when you have Guard in it - get dis as much as you can. Also throw in sum Piling On for non-sanwich-participant Ogres and get lotsa Stand Firm fast as ya can ta give ya opponent a big 'eadache before ya pull 'is 'ead off!

Once da sandwich is working, keep squeezing the fillin' with da bread. Also, move ya ball carryin' Snot outta the Sandwich and keep 'im away from pointy-ears.

Sometimez, crumbs will start ta roll away from da sandwich. Dis can be a big problem. This is where ya need da sticky mustard.

Mustard on it's own 'as no substance to it. Elves will drink the Mustard Snots in seconds if dhey get their grubby manicured 'ands on 'em. This is why you keep the Diving Tackle Snots on the outside of the Ogres!

Keep yer Snots behind ya Ogres until da bread's in place, then smear ya mustard around da outsidez all spread out an' make those sweet smellin' skinny blokes jump through yer Diving Tackle to get back out again.

Finally, sum Elves will need da peanut treatment. Dis means that you gotta move up your Sneaky Git Snots to anyone lyin' on the floor and get 'em to lop their nuts off!

If you 'ave more than 4 Ogres, you should keep one back to hit especially sneaky, experienced or fast Elves with three dice. For any Dodgers, try ta get three dice blocks if you can.

In my experience, iss the Elves who don't even have nuts who are the most dangerous! So if you see Wardancers or Witch Elves onna floor, give 'em a ruddy good stabbin' as fast as yoo can.

Conclusion

At da enda the day, you might not win against da cheatin', cowardly shampoo lovers, but always keep da sandwich filosophee in yer 'ead and you'll 'opefully at least get to nibble on a few of the gits!

Fanks for listenin' Humie, I 'ope dis helps. I also hope you've got me advisor's fee ready, or I might have to sample dhose delicious meaty ribs after all...